Well Guelph is a great city. It is ideally located close to all of Southern Ontario's amenities. It IS truly a fine community.

The unashamed arrogance of city council accompanied with its ill conceived, repetitive exercises in Royal power and control over its presently helpless citizens is verging upon a Medieval level of tyranny.

These commands do not arrive as community involved suggestions but rather are mandatory daily behavioural requirements with subsequent punishments for failure to adhere to these dictums.

The latest Royal Decree is called Wet Dry + ..... + + + + + + +

Where you presently live you probably enjoy an effective system of garbage removal and disposal. You possibly don't even think about how it works. You simply put your garbage in an inexpensive dark green bag, throw it out on the curb once a week and it magically disappears never to return to bother you or your family or your living environment again.

The Royal City of Guelph is different from all other Realms in Canada. Garbage is a really BIG deal here. It is like an ever growing, out of control industry where people are paid from the coffers of the City Hall Palace tons of gold and jewels to produce failed ways to sort it. Failed ways to decide where the dump will be. Failed spending of tremendous amounts of $$$$$$ on Royal Advisers ($200+ per hour consultants), public educational programs etc. Failed and very expensive ways to do just about everything related to garbage.

And everytime there is a failure the peasant residents get "flogged".

Presently the Royal City of Guelph enforces and I do mean enforces, what is called a Wet Dry system. Garbage in the Kingdom of Guelph must be sorted into two separate areas one wet one dry. What "Dry" means is glass, cans, plastic, cardboard, newspapers, etc. (stuff that doesn't rot) and what "Wet" means is fruit & veggie scraps, meat, pasta, dairy products, tea bags, etc. (stuff that does rot). You get the idea.
For toxic waste products like old paint, oil etc. you must leave your local shire and travel to the dump and present this type of waste to a special place there for disposal.

What this means to the peasant residents is that they are compelled to establish a system in their hovel twice the size and at much more the expense than any other hovel in all of Canada's Kingdoms. You need two - not one garbage container in the kitchen, bathrooms and other areas of your living environment. The dual smaller containers must then go to your dual system of the bigger garbage cans in your basement, garage etc. where the two sorted bags are then put out on the curb for dual collection where the garbage trucks, at much expense to the peasant taxpayers, have been altered to conform to the "dual bag" system. The two bag system requires special blue bags for dry and special green bags for wet. These bags are much more expensive than the regular dark green bags that you and everyone else in Canada's other Kingdoms are now using.

New peasant residents to the Royal City initially are confused. Why was their garbage that they put out in the familiar regular dark green bags, that they have always used, bounced back to them faster than a failed email?

Peasant residents that live in other City Kingdoms, that are told of this system are bewildered and snicker at us silly Guelphites with the usual comments of … "That would never be acceptable in my Kingdom", "it is too crazy", "the peasants here just wouldn't do it".

Well ... we Guelphites are an ecco conscious Fiefdom and I think for the most part we peasant residents are willing to accept the added burden in terms of expense, special allocation and the personal time requirements demanded by the two bag system. After all, the concept of "Wet" versus "Dry" is not a completely incomprehensible concept in waste management.

Our Fiefdom's town crier called the Guelph Tribune has informed us that the Royal City Hall Palace will be requiring much more from us. (Guelph Tribune article "City sees way clear to Wet-Dry Plus" by Janet Bane 02/21/03)

All of the peasant residents are commanded to enter the never ending realm of garbage insanity.

As of March 3 2003, we are commanded to conform to a three bag system.
Propelled with the confidence that there was not a full peasant revolt when the two bag system was introduced, the Royal City Council has decreed that we now must comply with a three bag system. The new "clear" bag is for other new items to be sorted prior to disposal. I'll get to what they are in a moment but first lets look at what this means to a Guelphite household.

Households must now have three garbage containers in the kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms etc. which then move separately into the new three larger containers in the basement, garage or wherever.
Guelphites must now purchase another expensive, speciality bag for the
Wet Dry Plus + + + + + system.
You and the members of your family must now pay more, toil longer and work harder in your service to the Royal City on fear of punishment if you fail to obey the Royal Decree.

Here are some of the items that now must be sorted into the new third, clear bag.

Clothing hangers
VCR tapes
CDs and DVDs
Floor Sweepings
Ropes
Hoses

I don't know about your hovel but we go through mountains of broken coat hangers, destroyed VCR tapes and ropes each and every day. And floor sweepings - now that accounts for a tonnage of waste in our abode.

You are probably thinking that this is a joke. Any normal peasant would think this to be a Monty Python or Mad TV skit. Or at the very least, it's just the Royal City Court Jester letting us all have a little fun of ... Wet Dry + + + + + .… Surprise .... Just Kidding.

I must assure you this is no joke. The Royalty at the City Hall Palace have made this decree and have made it enforceable in the same fashion as all of their other proclamations to the peasant residents.
In anticipation of non compliance, the Royal City Hall Court have even made decrees to catch any of us Guelphites who may attempt to cheat the system. Upon peril of punishment, a Guelphite had better not try to sneak a broken clothes hanger or a VCR tape into the wrong bag!

From the town crier article previously mentioned ... "councillors opted to no longer permit waste items to be left at the curbside in grocery bags, because city staff can't see through them in order to ensure the waste is properly sorted".

If any peasant resident deviates from any Royal City garbage commands, the waste "will not be collected and must be removed (taken back into the recycling sorting factory room of your hovel) from the curb by 7:00 pm." …. "Curbside advisors will visit you"
"Curbside advisors" is a euphemism for the Royal City "garbage police".

The City Hall Palace has hired an army of soldiers for this and other civic issues enforcement.

The "parking police" - a special division of soldiers assigned to parking issues and enforcement.

The "pet police" - more palace soldiers to enforce where, when and how your dog can have a dump and what you must do after the dog is finished.
Remember after March 3 2003 you can no longer pick up your dog's poop and put it into a used grocery store bag. You are commanded to use the expensive clear bags. Because after all, the garbage police palace soldiers have to look right into the contents of that bag to make absolutely sure that it is a doggie doo doo and that you are not trying to hide some scrap of old rope, a VCR tape or those very important floor sweepings!

The "water police" - a separate battalion of palace guards working via the shire's tattle tale, "rat" line of "be a snitch" and report your fellow peasants behaviour to the palace's secret police.
In the Royal City, peasant residents are encouraged to turn in their neighbouring peasant resident taxpayers if they see them providing water to their parched and dying shrubs or doing the unforgivable act of washing their means of transportation, carts or wagons.
Our Royal City functions with water alerts in exactly the same way as the USA does with their "Terrorist Alert system". Here in our Royal City we also have a code blue, yellow, orange, red scale.
BUT it is used for our "Water Terror Alert System".
Peasant residents very often live under the fear of the RED level "Water Terror Alert System". The Royal City decrees that access to water is regulated by a system of even odd days, based upon even/odd hovel numbers and limits access to water to a couple of hours in the morning and evenings.

All of the City Hall Palace soldiers regularly ride out into the Shires to catch and punish offending peasant residents. In the cases of non compliance of the Royal Garbage Decrees, the peasant resident is publicly put in the pillory by identifying them with an orange sticker attached to the garbage bag that they were trying to hide a VCR tape or floor sweepings in for example. The offending garbage must be returned into the peasant resident's hovel for his family to sort better. If a peasant resident offends the Royal Decree then they will be visited by the "Curbside Advisors" - the palace soldiers who will impose additional taxation upon the peasant resident in the form of fines.

The New Peasant Resident Survival Manual.

The following tips for new peasant residents will help you survive your move to our Royal City.

1. How much extra gold do you have?

Prior to relocating in Guelph ensure that you have employment here that provides you with much more gold than you are already earning. You and your family will need much more than what you have now to cover the increased costs of both direct taxation and indirect taxation in the forms of things like your property taxes, water bills, fines, fines and more fines. And don't forget the costs of those ever increasing, speciality bags.

2. Try and get some more gold.

Hot stock tip … invest in the "Speciality Clear Bag Company Inc."
You can bet that Guelph's Royal family has already done that with their insider knowledge of the upcoming decrees. Maybe the "Speciality Clear Bag Company Inc." has even sent some gold and jewels to the Royal Treasury?
Well don't lose hope even if it's too late for all of us peasant residents to benefit from this latest Royal Decree. To become rich all we have to do is correctly guess the colour of the next bag. Pick purple? pink? or chartreuse? …. buy the stocks now from the "Speciality Purple, Pink etc. Bag Company Inc."and then cash in after the next Royal Decree compelling Guelphites to sort and put only dryer lint and cat fur balls into the purple, pink or chartreuse bags. If you picked the right colour you're a winner!
And you can certainly use the extra gold that you made to give back to the Royal City Hall Palace in the forms of new taxations to cover new fiscal irresponsibilities.

3. Your New Hovel

When purchasing your new hovel in our Royal City make sure that it is 33% larger than your hovel in your present Kingdom. You and your family are going to need that extra space for the re cycling factory, waste management area that the Royal City requires you and yours to toil in to comply with the Royal Garbage decrees. Keep in mind that it is one bag - two bags - three bags full - right now. But be assured that the 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th bags are just around the corner. The Royal Family clique that resides in the City Hall Palace, far removed from the daily events in the outlying Fiefdoms, will soon have many more decrees for specialty bags and systems. The never ending new bags will be for items like toenail clippings, used contact lenses and all manners of coloured speciality bags - all with their own requirements and attendant punishments for any failure to comply will be decreed.
When purchasing your new, 33% enlarged hovel in our Royal City, base your decision on whether it is an even numbered hovel or an odd numbered hovel. This is VERY important .. much more so than whether you and your family like the hovel or whether it has a southern exposure, is close to a school etc. This odd/even number designation decision will determine all of your daily life and events … like can I water my crops today? and under what circumstances? and at which time portals? The odd/even hovel designation will eventually determine which days you can allow manure from your livestock or pets to be placed in which coloured bag that happens to be the current flavour of the current Royal Decree at the time.

4. Significantly improve your time task management skills.

Make sure that you and your family members can organize a few additional hours each day from your present schedule. These additional work-task hours are required by the Royal Family so that you and yours can properly comply with their Royal Decrees. This daily extra time will be quickly consumed by your compliance with the waste management requirements of sorting bagging, returning the bags into your hovel and resorting again.
And don't forget the time you will need for those meetings with the palace representatives such as the Royal City Palace "Curb Advisors".
You will also need at few extra hours after midnight to sneak out into your field to water your parched crops and dig holes to bury your VCR tapes, scraps of rope and those important floor sweepings. Allocate this time but don't get caught by your fellow peasant resident neighbours!

5. Make More Children

Whatever your present family size - make more children now.
Well that is only if your new Royal City, more demanding time task schedule has the ability to permit such activities.
All Guelphite families are in dire need of a much larger labour force to fulfil our compliance with the present and future Royal City Hall Court Decrees.
We now need a much larger family labour force just as our agrarian ancestors did at planting and harvest times. Big families meant profitable farms.
But in this case we will not be the beneficiaries of the increased labourers. All of the benefits of our collective family toil go directly to the Royal City Hall Palace Treasury.
While the City of Guelph Royalty have made the larger family vitally necessary, please keep in mind the ratio aspect. More children equals more peasant resident labourers and taxable citizens.
BUT children have to drink water, they do generate some garbage and sometimes even consume a portion of our time/task schedule
- so work out a ratio formula that balances the factors to your benefit.

I again emphasis that the Royal City of Guelph has been and has the potential again to be a fabulous place to live, work and raise a family.
It is just tragic that the present Royal Family has almost destroyed the Kingdom.
But all is not lost. The recent decree from the City Hall Palace regarding the
Wet Dry + ..... + + + + + + + has awakened even the most passive, compliant and subjugated Guelphites.

Finally the overwhelming majority of peasant residents are shouting
- We are Not as Stupid and Compliant as You Think We Are!
- We CAN'T and We WON'T Take It Any More!

This fall, fuelled by the Wet Dry + in combination with the fiscal irresponsibilities and Royal City Council arrogance issues there will be a reality altering peasant resident taxpayers' revolution.

Rallying to the cry of "REFUSE TO USE"
- armed with hundreds of voting booths and those lengths of rope that can no longer be disposed of in a sane fashion, the mob of common Guelphites will storm the City Hall Palace, drag out the King (in this case it's a Queen) as well as her like minded Royal Court Minions and ... It's Off With Their Heads!

The present abusive Royal City Family will be replaced with a much wiser, non arrogant, exceedingly more compassionate and fiscally responsible leadership.

Suggestion to all potential new Guelphites

Postpone your move to our Royal City and wait until after the revolution this fall, when this Royal City Kingdom will have a new Royal Family and things will be much more pleasant for all of us peasant residents.

Suggestion to all existing Guelphites suffering under the yoke of oppression placed upon our backs by the present Royal Family.

STOP the garbage insanity.
STOP the profiteering.
STOP the arrogance.
STOP the abuse.

Just Say NO … REFUSE TO USE.
Encourage your fellow peasant residents in your particular Shire
to REFUSE TO USE.

Show the present Royal Family how you are going to vote in the next election by your REFUSE TO USE - realm of garbage insanity non compliance on March 3/03.